We need to rekindle our bromance
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize