Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
