Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
