This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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