I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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