The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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