are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
