This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That reminds me...we need to get swords
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize