apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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