You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
