i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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