Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
