The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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