Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
