i need an iv and a liver transplant
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize