Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
