Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
