I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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