We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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