My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
