Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
