she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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