You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
