but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
