It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
