Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's shark week go big or go home
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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