you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
