my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
