I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
