to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
