btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
