my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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