between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
