my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
