I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
