I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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