So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
