But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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