And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
