i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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