T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
