So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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