I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
