I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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