Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize