Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
