it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
