the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
