Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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