I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
