How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We smell like vodka and hangover
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