I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
