someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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