If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
