Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize