Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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