Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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