my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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