Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
